you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
