I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
