I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You should frame my arrest warrant.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
