the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
