I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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