Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
