the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
