She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
