My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
