I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
