There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize