You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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