She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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