he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
