alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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