kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
