Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
