so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
