do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
