Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
