brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
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