I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
