i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
