The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
only you would photoshop your dick
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
