i would punch a child for taco bell
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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