How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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