Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
