remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
