I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
