so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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