If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
It was like giving head to a cactus.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
