There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I wish there were birth control emojis
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
