Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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