I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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