Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
