I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
