i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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