i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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