Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
