You're a womanizer and a bitch.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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