He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
