So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
