also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize