Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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