so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Randomize
