evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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