My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
