I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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