life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
ok first of all what the fuck
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
