Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
