God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
