i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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