I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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