it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize