Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
