I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
