i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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