I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
