jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
