I'm really into asian looking animals
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I got inside last night via doggy door
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