I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
