At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
