oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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