After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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