I need to stop coming to work sober
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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