I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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