I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize