and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I can't put those talents on a resume
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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