I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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