good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
