turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
