Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
