Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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