My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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