and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
