he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
